Disc jockeys
“Hang the DJ!”
~ Morrissey
on Discjockeys
“The following is not an test, dj.”
~ Pitbull
on DJ's
“Roll to every station, murder the DJ.”
~ NaS
on DJ's
A DJ is everything but a musician.
In the event of thermonuclear Armageddon,
it has been postulated that there would only be two surviving forms of life; cockroaches, and gym teachers.
These postulators are wrong. They
neglect the shielding power of the ego of the average radio discjockey.
Radio discjockeys are nuclear-powered;
this is responsible for the distinctive orange hue of their skin, as well as their distinctly unpleasant (and highly radioactive)
body odour. They only reproduce at night, in dank corners under the mixing desks of their stations, although this (distinctly
unpleasant) sight can easily be avoided by listening out for their mating cry: It's for charidee, mate!
Eating
habits of the discjockey
The discjockey is constitutionally
incapable of sustained thought, having been subjected from birth to extensive Pavlovian conditioning on the theme of one
thought, one link. This serves them well in their career, as most of them only manage one thought, and hence one link,
within their natural lifespan, but does not allow the opportunity to develop an educated palate; therefore, they mostly eat
junk food in the three minutes between when the on-air light goes off and on.
Crumbs inevitably result, which will
subsequently need to be hoovered from the mixing desk; the resulting crackling causes intense psychosomatic pain to elder
DJs, although it has been suggested that the sound of a desk infested with Walkers Cheese'n'Onion Crisps was a major formative
influence on the distinctive polyrhythms and auditory assault of the young Aphex Twin.
Social
life of the discjockey
Thankfully, non-existent; the city-state
of Basildon in the United Kingdom still retains ancient laws allowing the assassination (by bow and arrow (blunt of course))
of discjockeys found within the city walls after nightfall, and obtained a derogation from the Human Rights Act specifically
in order to permit this.
Little Known
Facts About DJ's
Most DJ's are known to be actually deaf and George W. Bush in disguise.
The most successful Dj's such as Tiesto and Condoleeza Rice are known to slap together sounds of dying children
and weeping mothers along with pulsating and sped-up Backstreet Boy beats in order to create their hits, such as 'World Hold
On' and 'God Bless America'. Amrit is the best dj in the world known specially for heaving his turntables at heckling crowd
members and killing the first born offspring of all those who do not offer him their virgin daughters as a token of appreciation
for his funky minimalist techno progressive electro house sets.
What most people belive to be headphones, are actually cages of little furry hobbits that tell the DJ what
to play next.
Being a DJ may cause you to get laid, often several times in a row in many different directions involving
many different cake toppings.
